If You Were Gay is a song from Avenue Q. It is the show's parody of the Ernie & Bert sketches from Sesame Street.
Rod: Ah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, Broadway Musicals of the 1940s. No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this?
Nicky: Oh, hi Rod!
Rod: Hi, Nicky.
Nicky: Hey, Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning! This guy was smilin' at me and talkin' to me.
Rod: Mhm, that's very interesting.
Nicky: He was bein' real friendly. And you know, I think he was comin' on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay.
Rod: So, why are you telling me this, mhm? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?
Nicky: Ahh, you don't have to get all defensive, Rod.
Rod: I'M NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE!! Why do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I am trying to read.
Nicky: Well, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod, I just think It's something we should be able to talk about.
Rod: Well I do not want to talk about it, Nicky. This conversation is over.
Nicky: Yeah, but Rod...
Nicky: Well.... OK, but just so you know...
If you were gay,
That'd be OK.
I mean 'cause, hey,
I'd like you anyway.
Nicky: Because you see,
If it were me,
I would feel free to say
That I was gay.
But I'm not gay.
Rob: Nicky, please, I am trying to read .... What?
Nicky: If you were queer,
Rod: Ugh, Nicky.
Nicky: I'd still be here.
Rod: Nicky, I am trying to read this book.
Nicky: Year after year.
Nicky: Because you're dear to me.
Nicky: And I know that you...
Nicky: would accept me too.
Rod: I would?
Nicky: If I told you today, "Hey, guess what? I'm gay!", but I'm not gay.
I'm happy just being with you,
Rod: High button shoes, Pal Joey.
Nicky: So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?
Rod: Nicky that is gross!
Nicky: No it isn't!
If you were gay,
I'd shout "HOORAY!"
Rod: I'm not listening!
Nicky: And here I'd stay,
Rod: LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Nicky: But I wouldn't get in your way.
Nicky: You can count on me...
to always be...
beside you everyday to tell you its OK, you were just born that way and as they it's in your DNA you're gay!
Rod: I AM NOT GAY!!!!!
Nicky: If you were gay.